Shit...

I didn't go to school today. Freakishly tired, suicidal thoughts, anxious thoughts, depressed mindset, sore body- all reasons to not go. Tomorrow (well, today. It's 1:01 A.M. here) I'll go back.... it was only my third day & I decided to stay home....... at least I suddenly came back in the middle of the year & this isn't just the first few days of the school year. More people would notice & teachers would notice more & they'd say things & give me bad looks.......... so fucking depressing.
I've eaten so much these past few days....... I'm determined to not eat the next few, though. I've been reading a TON of blogs ( I am now following 270 {!}, of which maybe 5 are not ED or SI related {*maybe*}) & that's great thinspo. I have an appointment tomorrow with a new therapist, right after school ends at 2:40 I'll be picked up by my parent....... I hate thinking of her as that. In real life my sister & I tend to refer to 'her' as 'It'. 'It' is a terrible thing that screws every damn day of my living up. I hate It. That fucking therapist wants us both to meet together with him. I swear to god- I AM VERY PICKY when it comes to therapists/psychologists/counselors/etc., & two things are automatic 'there's no f'in way I'm coming back to talk to you's: 1. Them speaking more to It/taking It's word over mine, when It is clearly an idiot/making me feel like a horrible spot on It's fantastic, glorious, hardworking life......... & 2. Treating me like a fucking 15 yr old. I AM a 15 yr old, &, while I don't expect to be treated like a mature adult, you're not going to sit 3 ft in front of me & try to lower the intelligence of your speech like I'm a fucking dumbass.
Sorry for the rant, if anyone reads this. & how I go straight from on thing to another & I do not make much sense. I'm kinda all over the place, I know, I always am. I'm just unhappy & feel very much like my mind will collapse from over-exertion of panic, stress, ana, mia, cutting, depression, anxiety, & at the same time it will also disintegrate into dust from being so numb. Again, makes no sense, but that's just how I am. :|

I feel like shit

No school because of snow. This social-worker-woman will be talking to HER (mother) tomorrow............ only HER. I've been biting every bit of fingernail that I have off. I look like shit... my eating habits want to skyrocket + explode from this stress + anxiety, but since I've actually been around people (esp. males) lately my restricting, self-destructive, hateful, punishing side has come out and doesn't want me to eat a damn thing............ Mia when I'm alone, then Ana when I'm in times of dealing with others. I hate people. I want to die........ My anxiety's been o.k., better lately, really, but my depression has been terrible. I get so pissed because I don't want to do anything & the very, very few things I could stand to do BEFORE I went away to placement no longer work for me... I think I'm losing my mind. Nothing is holding any real interest for me & I have felt this low before but not for this long, this many consecutive days. I've been thinking of cutting just to feel something, so I'm not numb, but that seems so.... wrong...... I have, though, taken to taking pills. Nothing bad, I do like to feel my heart race though.... Makes me feel like an actual being, not a fat, doughy, stupid, piece of shit blob :(

Calorie update ^_^

1 hr + 17 minutes at the gym gave me a 846 total of calories burnt. I purged once today after eating pasta and i guess I only partially purged up a little bag of potato chips. Things I've kept down though are cereal w/ almond milk for breakfast & my grapes I had just now. I was wondering if anyone knows if caffeine pills will promote weight loss for me? I'm curious about that, since I had seen them in the store today...........
My recent cuts have been doing a little more bleeding than usual. I've been cutting on my knee so every time that I move, walk, bend, etc., it opens & re-opens & re-opens the cut, so it'll start bleeding once again. Nothing really bad, though.
Misc. - I'm trying to get a other kitty into this house, 'cause I wanna + I really want that pasta upstairs :) I could always purge it + I need a shower & some music. Type later.

Gym tomorrow!

So, my gym membership will officially begin tomorrow - time to work my ass off. Recent cutting has been really bad. I weigh 119 now.... boo. Also, bingeing + purgeing has been up recently..... bleh. More lay-tuh.