Shit...

I didn't go to school today. Freakishly tired, suicidal thoughts, anxious thoughts, depressed mindset, sore body- all reasons to not go. Tomorrow (well, today. It's 1:01 A.M. here) I'll go back.... it was only my third day & I decided to stay home....... at least I suddenly came back in the middle of the year & this isn't just the first few days of the school year. More people would notice & teachers would notice more & they'd say things & give me bad looks.......... so fucking depressing.
I've eaten so much these past few days....... I'm determined to not eat the next few, though. I've been reading a TON of blogs ( I am now following 270 {!}, of which maybe 5 are not ED or SI related {*maybe*}) & that's great thinspo. I have an appointment tomorrow with a new therapist, right after school ends at 2:40 I'll be picked up by my parent....... I hate thinking of her as that. In real life my sister & I tend to refer to 'her' as 'It'. 'It' is a terrible thing that screws every damn day of my living up. I hate It. That fucking therapist wants us both to meet together with him. I swear to god- I AM VERY PICKY when it comes to therapists/psychologists/counselors/etc., & two things are automatic 'there's no f'in way I'm coming back to talk to you's: 1. Them speaking more to It/taking It's word over mine, when It is clearly an idiot/making me feel like a horrible spot on It's fantastic, glorious, hardworking life......... & 2. Treating me like a fucking 15 yr old. I AM a 15 yr old, &, while I don't expect to be treated like a mature adult, you're not going to sit 3 ft in front of me & try to lower the intelligence of your speech like I'm a fucking dumbass.
Sorry for the rant, if anyone reads this. & how I go straight from on thing to another & I do not make much sense. I'm kinda all over the place, I know, I always am. I'm just unhappy & feel very much like my mind will collapse from over-exertion of panic, stress, ana, mia, cutting, depression, anxiety, & at the same time it will also disintegrate into dust from being so numb. Again, makes no sense, but that's just how I am. :|