My problem

is that I'm way too good at being a fatty. New fucking commitment- go one fucking week with no sweet/salty junk food. That in itself will be a huge accomplishment for me.
:\ I've kind of gotten side tracked on being thin. Honestly, I can't ever remember being skinny; always fat. My mother cramming food down my throat instead of anything even closely resembling affection or normal human emotion. Foodfoodfood. That's it. This week, if I can go 7 damn days with no crap food (which, just having to set this goal is pathetic & proves my fatass mind-set, since people who actually HAVE willpower set a goal for twice as long to eat nothing and drink only water), I can f'in binge on veggies that add up to 5 billion calories. Hell, I can gain some pounds (ugh!), I'll try anyway just to finally rid myself of these horrible, weak-minded, pathetic cravings for weakness.
Also, I think everyone is now officially off of my back..... they don't think I cut or purge which is good :)
Alsoalso, I've gotten rid of yet another therapist. I'm too damn picky... :(

zeroworth

I am pointless, except to have to be put through agony. That is my only meaning.
I am yucky; I am filled with imperfectness/nastiness/dirtiness.
I am stuffed with 1,000,000,000,009+ calories.
I carry SI/SH scars.
I am stupid.
I am pathetic.
I am useless.
I am suicidal.
I am dumb.
I am fat. I am lard.
I am meaningless...... filled with dirtiness...... I am dirty.

Let us make a thousand mistakes.......... I'll never learn.

Please read...

I have just raced down to the basement computer room from soaking in the bath for the last 2 or 3 hours finishing up this book, Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson -which she's probably more well known for as the author of Wintergirls- but, letmetellya, I'm a bigbig reader & this might be the most eye-opening book for me I've read, just as a person....... Like, I feel tingly inside..... & I really wish this chick in the story was real & we could talk. I've never wanted to experience someone like this in my whole life... Yeah, check it out & Wintergirls, which is about ED, unlike Speak, which is totally in-ED-related, but still extreme in power!

P.S. YAY! I have three followers! :) TY!

Anxiety Insomniac

In the period of the last 7 hours I have had 4 different trips to my bathroom to cut. That is ridiculous. I'm beyond tired, high on painkillers/sleeping aids, can't stop my constant anxiety attacks, & I my legs are sore.
I have a therapy appointment in five hours.... I'm wondering if I should go. My anxiety is so bad.... All I've been doing is stuffing my face & cutcutcutcutting. :|
I've completely stopped going to school, haven't even had an attempt at my make-up homework. That damn fact might get me sent back to placement.... that in itself skyrockets my anxiety. FML!

Binge-

4 Nutter butters = 250
Lorna Doone box = 700
6 Fudge mint cookies = 540
Total = 1,490 calories....... wow.

Gained 1 lbs.

now 119....... shiitt