Cabbage (100)
Vegetable Broth (15)
2 servings mint tea (0)
waterwater (0)
Orange (50)
2 or 3 small slices of cucumber (15)
Total: 180 calories :)
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Freaking out about....
school, food, people, cutting, etc. Typical things :\ I cut higher up on my leg today than I normally would........ I've been being a total fat fuck pigging out on oatmeal. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow......... family doctor check-up- eek!, I'll be getting weighed. I HOPE beyond HOPE I weigh 115....... more realistically 118-120..... what a fatass.....
Soooooooo.....
(WARNING: ramblings ahead.)
Didn't go to school again.... I keep freaking the fuck out. I had a meeting with a new therapist yesterday. It went really well, he's probably my favorite psycho-person I've seen yet. :) We were talking about whether or not he'd have to tell my mother about CURRENT SI, even though I had lied & told him I hadn't SIed in 2+ months.... Anyway, he said he'd consult someone & since she already knew that I had cut before & since cutting is an actual coping skill & not a way of doing actual damage to myself & isn't a sign of me wanting to kill myself, he'd may be able to talk to me about it & her not find out about it.
So, that went well.......... I'm actually craving cooked cabbage right now....... :\ I think I'll type up some more later. Right now I have more blog reading to do :]
Didn't go to school again.... I keep freaking the fuck out. I had a meeting with a new therapist yesterday. It went really well, he's probably my favorite psycho-person I've seen yet. :) We were talking about whether or not he'd have to tell my mother about CURRENT SI, even though I had lied & told him I hadn't SIed in 2+ months.... Anyway, he said he'd consult someone & since she already knew that I had cut before & since cutting is an actual coping skill & not a way of doing actual damage to myself & isn't a sign of me wanting to kill myself, he'd may be able to talk to me about it & her not find out about it.
So, that went well.......... I'm actually craving cooked cabbage right now....... :\ I think I'll type up some more later. Right now I have more blog reading to do :]
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Shit...
I didn't go to school today. Freakishly tired, suicidal thoughts, anxious thoughts, depressed mindset, sore body- all reasons to not go. Tomorrow (well, today. It's 1:01 A.M. here) I'll go back.... it was only my third day & I decided to stay home....... at least I suddenly came back in the middle of the year & this isn't just the first few days of the school year. More people would notice & teachers would notice more & they'd say things & give me bad looks.......... so fucking depressing.
I've eaten so much these past few days....... I'm determined to not eat the next few, though. I've been reading a TON of blogs ( I am now following 270 {!}, of which maybe 5 are not ED or SI related {*maybe*}) & that's great thinspo. I have an appointment tomorrow with a new therapist, right after school ends at 2:40 I'll be picked up by my parent....... I hate thinking of her as that. In real life my sister & I tend to refer to 'her' as 'It'. 'It' is a terrible thing that screws every damn day of my living up. I hate It. That fucking therapist wants us both to meet together with him. I swear to god- I AM VERY PICKY when it comes to therapists/psychologists/counselors/etc., & two things are automatic 'there's no f'in way I'm coming back to talk to you's: 1. Them speaking more to It/taking It's word over mine, when It is clearly an idiot/making me feel like a horrible spot on It's fantastic, glorious, hardworking life......... & 2. Treating me like a fucking 15 yr old. I AM a 15 yr old, &, while I don't expect to be treated like a mature adult, you're not going to sit 3 ft in front of me & try to lower the intelligence of your speech like I'm a fucking dumbass.
Sorry for the rant, if anyone reads this. & how I go straight from on thing to another & I do not make much sense. I'm kinda all over the place, I know, I always am. I'm just unhappy & feel very much like my mind will collapse from over-exertion of panic, stress, ana, mia, cutting, depression, anxiety, & at the same time it will also disintegrate into dust from being so numb. Again, makes no sense, but that's just how I am. :|
I've eaten so much these past few days....... I'm determined to not eat the next few, though. I've been reading a TON of blogs ( I am now following 270 {!}, of which maybe 5 are not ED or SI related {*maybe*}) & that's great thinspo. I have an appointment tomorrow with a new therapist, right after school ends at 2:40 I'll be picked up by my parent....... I hate thinking of her as that. In real life my sister & I tend to refer to 'her' as 'It'. 'It' is a terrible thing that screws every damn day of my living up. I hate It. That fucking therapist wants us both to meet together with him. I swear to god- I AM VERY PICKY when it comes to therapists/psychologists/counselors/etc., & two things are automatic 'there's no f'in way I'm coming back to talk to you's: 1. Them speaking more to It/taking It's word over mine, when It is clearly an idiot/making me feel like a horrible spot on It's fantastic, glorious, hardworking life......... & 2. Treating me like a fucking 15 yr old. I AM a 15 yr old, &, while I don't expect to be treated like a mature adult, you're not going to sit 3 ft in front of me & try to lower the intelligence of your speech like I'm a fucking dumbass.
Sorry for the rant, if anyone reads this. & how I go straight from on thing to another & I do not make much sense. I'm kinda all over the place, I know, I always am. I'm just unhappy & feel very much like my mind will collapse from over-exertion of panic, stress, ana, mia, cutting, depression, anxiety, & at the same time it will also disintegrate into dust from being so numb. Again, makes no sense, but that's just how I am. :|
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Long while, no post....
So, on Friday I went to school of the first time in 4 or so months. Anyway, my locker's in building A which is right next to a bathroom, in said bathroom I'd cut during the day (usually before school started) & hang out there during lunch because I can't stand being around so many teenagers and adults during 4th period). So, I get to school via bus at around 7:15 & I get my schedule, locker opened, books ready, etc. all done and within 10 minutes of that I'm in my ol' third-bathroom stall again. Also, at this point I feel quite nervous so I'm getting rid of the food I brought to school (which was for the show of my 'family') & I'm just patting my cuts with tissue.
In between periods you have five minutes to get to your class- there's a bell sounding the end of class, then four minutes later a 1-minute warning bell, & then the finally one signaling that you're late, ahwell. Anyway, when I hear a bell I mistake what it really is- the bell signaling school has started, you should be here by now, & now you have 5 minutes to get your ass to homeroom- & I think I only have 1 minute. I don't give near damn a fuck about making on time to homeroom (it's fucking HOMEROOM!), but if I come in late I will not be able to stand everyone's eyes suddenly darting to me & shit, so I, instead of doing a proper wrap for my wounds that I usually like to do, just grab a lengthy amount of toilet paper, wad it up, put it over my leg/knee & pull up this wristband-thingy that I always wear on my leg to keep tissue/covering/stufflikethat in it's place. I jab all of my things into my little wristlet thing (only thing we're permitted to carry, and it's a pain fitting my SI things into it) & I'm trying to pull down my pants. These pants are new (to me) and I'd only just tried them on + then decided to wear them this morning. There was not much room to initially ROLL my pant leg up & not it was EXTREMELY difficult to get my pants back down without moving the loose toilet paper + my knee-cover. I get out of the bathroom, down the flight of steps, down the hall & into homeroom. I grab an empty seat, which was the last one, 1st row, nearest to the door. Once I realize it has been a minute, I check my agenda and realize that I actually have another 3 or 4 minutes, so I get out my pocket some pills I can take while I'm going pass a fountain on my way back to the bathroom. My leg's bleeding- DUH! -through my pants. Light blue pants, dark blue blood. SHIT. shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt. Really?
Anyway, I dart on back up there, try to fix it, come back, & wait to begin, looking over my schedule, getting pissed at having this HORRIBLE math teacher (I'm good in math & I don't like having shitty math teachers) & being in a lesser-of-hers class (I'm already well above that) & I had a DANCE CLASS (!) & Gym. So, I've already decided there is zilch-way of hiding my bloody leg in gym, so I decide to cut that period.
The homeroom phone rings, I get nervous because the teacher coming right over to where I am, since I did not notice that my seat is directly next to the class phone. I'm getting paranoid, and I try to, very awkwardly, cover my left leg with my right. I look around and only 1 person is sitting even relatively cloos to me- great. Did someone see it & tell everyone? What the fuck's going to happen when mother and sister find out? I'll never hear the end of it, & I don't need this on top of everything else at home.
Homeroom ends & I'm on my way to math class. Turns out I have the wrong schedule (yay!), & I have to go to the office. And still, I've yet to get caught (wtf?), but now I'm really nervous because there are no swarms of people in front, to the side, behind, & all around me to cover my very obvious red spot on my pants. Right before I make it to the office, as I'm going down this mini-spiral-staircase, I contemplate stopping right there and cutting........ I'm freaking the fuck out & I've never experienced paranoia like this, ever. Someone comes along from the opposite way I am going on the stairs though, so I lean to the side & try to walk + cover my pant leg up.
Once I open the office door I dart to the secretary's desk so she doesn't have time to see. She starts to print off my actual schedule & that damn homeroom teacher comes in. I think 'oh, shit, he decided to take this up discreetly & he was going to come in to tell them about me, but we happen to run into eachother here, shitshit', but he just hands her his attendance list, then looks at me, and says, 'I had to add her', and I am screaming on the inside. He didn't see, he's just here to drop that shit off. & he isn't looking at me weird or anything. Since homeroom assigning goes alphabetically + I was here at the beginning of the year, he had me before, so remembers me.
And, once again, I make it out, then I'm on my way to History, no one notices. Then to Science, no one notices. Then more trips to the bathroom for bandage + cut updates. Then Computer Tech, still, no one says anything. I go abck to my locker to put my books away & while others go to lunch I go up to the bathroom. First thing I do is wet some paper towels. Then I go into the stall and pull my pants DOWN instead of UP & try to get that damnfucking stain out. I'm still incredulous that no one has noticed....... wtf? I properly wrap my leg (which I am very OCD about) and then I only have English after this. While I'm in English a chick who sat next to me in Science asked what happened to my leg. I look down and there's a kind of light-brown-green-ish color & I said (really quick- it's like I have super-speedy-reflexes when it comes to lying to people :\) I'd spilled Powerade (coca-cola company's version of gatorade, cal-free, & what I'd brought to drink) on me. She bought it.......... I'm still surprised at this whole damn day.
I'm going to get a new cell soon........ hopefully...... and I'm just bored as all fuck....... I may update from school in Comp. Tech class....... if I start getting therapy, because of the therapist not working on weekends, I would have to see him on a school day DURING school, because mother goes to (her version of) 'work' at 3:30-ish & school lets out at 2:40 so............. The only class I have internet access to is Computer Tech & that is my only elective class so it's the only one I'd be taken out of to be able to see my therapist, so that would work out quite well. I have homework & blogs to catch up on. Blog tomorrow about how Monday goes......
In between periods you have five minutes to get to your class- there's a bell sounding the end of class, then four minutes later a 1-minute warning bell, & then the finally one signaling that you're late, ahwell. Anyway, when I hear a bell I mistake what it really is- the bell signaling school has started, you should be here by now, & now you have 5 minutes to get your ass to homeroom- & I think I only have 1 minute. I don't give near damn a fuck about making on time to homeroom (it's fucking HOMEROOM!), but if I come in late I will not be able to stand everyone's eyes suddenly darting to me & shit, so I, instead of doing a proper wrap for my wounds that I usually like to do, just grab a lengthy amount of toilet paper, wad it up, put it over my leg/knee & pull up this wristband-thingy that I always wear on my leg to keep tissue/covering/stufflikethat in it's place. I jab all of my things into my little wristlet thing (only thing we're permitted to carry, and it's a pain fitting my SI things into it) & I'm trying to pull down my pants. These pants are new (to me) and I'd only just tried them on + then decided to wear them this morning. There was not much room to initially ROLL my pant leg up & not it was EXTREMELY difficult to get my pants back down without moving the loose toilet paper + my knee-cover. I get out of the bathroom, down the flight of steps, down the hall & into homeroom. I grab an empty seat, which was the last one, 1st row, nearest to the door. Once I realize it has been a minute, I check my agenda and realize that I actually have another 3 or 4 minutes, so I get out my pocket some pills I can take while I'm going pass a fountain on my way back to the bathroom. My leg's bleeding- DUH! -through my pants. Light blue pants, dark blue blood. SHIT. shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt. Really?
Anyway, I dart on back up there, try to fix it, come back, & wait to begin, looking over my schedule, getting pissed at having this HORRIBLE math teacher (I'm good in math & I don't like having shitty math teachers) & being in a lesser-of-hers class (I'm already well above that) & I had a DANCE CLASS (!) & Gym. So, I've already decided there is zilch-way of hiding my bloody leg in gym, so I decide to cut that period.
The homeroom phone rings, I get nervous because the teacher coming right over to where I am, since I did not notice that my seat is directly next to the class phone. I'm getting paranoid, and I try to, very awkwardly, cover my left leg with my right. I look around and only 1 person is sitting even relatively cloos to me- great. Did someone see it & tell everyone? What the fuck's going to happen when mother and sister find out? I'll never hear the end of it, & I don't need this on top of everything else at home.
Homeroom ends & I'm on my way to math class. Turns out I have the wrong schedule (yay!), & I have to go to the office. And still, I've yet to get caught (wtf?), but now I'm really nervous because there are no swarms of people in front, to the side, behind, & all around me to cover my very obvious red spot on my pants. Right before I make it to the office, as I'm going down this mini-spiral-staircase, I contemplate stopping right there and cutting........ I'm freaking the fuck out & I've never experienced paranoia like this, ever. Someone comes along from the opposite way I am going on the stairs though, so I lean to the side & try to walk + cover my pant leg up.
Once I open the office door I dart to the secretary's desk so she doesn't have time to see. She starts to print off my actual schedule & that damn homeroom teacher comes in. I think 'oh, shit, he decided to take this up discreetly & he was going to come in to tell them about me, but we happen to run into eachother here, shitshit', but he just hands her his attendance list, then looks at me, and says, 'I had to add her', and I am screaming on the inside. He didn't see, he's just here to drop that shit off. & he isn't looking at me weird or anything. Since homeroom assigning goes alphabetically + I was here at the beginning of the year, he had me before, so remembers me.
And, once again, I make it out, then I'm on my way to History, no one notices. Then to Science, no one notices. Then more trips to the bathroom for bandage + cut updates. Then Computer Tech, still, no one says anything. I go abck to my locker to put my books away & while others go to lunch I go up to the bathroom. First thing I do is wet some paper towels. Then I go into the stall and pull my pants DOWN instead of UP & try to get that damnfucking stain out. I'm still incredulous that no one has noticed....... wtf? I properly wrap my leg (which I am very OCD about) and then I only have English after this. While I'm in English a chick who sat next to me in Science asked what happened to my leg. I look down and there's a kind of light-brown-green-ish color & I said (really quick- it's like I have super-speedy-reflexes when it comes to lying to people :\) I'd spilled Powerade (coca-cola company's version of gatorade, cal-free, & what I'd brought to drink) on me. She bought it.......... I'm still surprised at this whole damn day.
I'm going to get a new cell soon........ hopefully...... and I'm just bored as all fuck....... I may update from school in Comp. Tech class....... if I start getting therapy, because of the therapist not working on weekends, I would have to see him on a school day DURING school, because mother goes to (her version of) 'work' at 3:30-ish & school lets out at 2:40 so............. The only class I have internet access to is Computer Tech & that is my only elective class so it's the only one I'd be taken out of to be able to see my therapist, so that would work out quite well. I have homework & blogs to catch up on. Blog tomorrow about how Monday goes......
Monday, February 8, 2010
I feel like shit
No school because of snow. This social-worker-woman will be talking to HER (mother) tomorrow............ only HER. I've been biting every bit of fingernail that I have off. I look like shit... my eating habits want to skyrocket + explode from this stress + anxiety, but since I've actually been around people (esp. males) lately my restricting, self-destructive, hateful, punishing side has come out and doesn't want me to eat a damn thing............ Mia when I'm alone, then Ana when I'm in times of dealing with others. I hate people. I want to die........ My anxiety's been o.k., better lately, really, but my depression has been terrible. I get so pissed because I don't want to do anything & the very, very few things I could stand to do BEFORE I went away to placement no longer work for me... I think I'm losing my mind. Nothing is holding any real interest for me & I have felt this low before but not for this long, this many consecutive days. I've been thinking of cutting just to feel something, so I'm not numb, but that seems so.... wrong...... I have, though, taken to taking pills. Nothing bad, I do like to feel my heart race though.... Makes me feel like an actual being, not a fat, doughy, stupid, piece of shit blob :(
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Are there people out there who cut at school?
Oh, I love to. I'm starting back at school again and- ignoring the icky, extreme, oh-so self-destructive feeling- I adore cutting in the bathroom......... Taking my purse in (which I never use any other times) the bathroom, locking the stall, waiting before homeroom starts............ with all those pink-lipped, tanned, thin, preppy, clear-skin chicks gossiping and giggling right next to me with only a bathroom stall door separating us. Tomorrow's my first day going back since being at placement.......... eck. I enjoy the learning/topics (I'm a TOTAL NERD & GEEK) , I simply hate my anxiety problems with the fuckin' people..... AND my only SECOND meeting with this social worker "family" helping person is going to be on Tuesday at my school......... I have no idea what my classes are........... I'd just love to converse with another cutter that has such social problems at school........
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Goal weights
Current- 118
Loss/Loss Total
Total loss = 35 lbs.
I'm starting up my fast today; it's been 12 hours since I've last eaten.....
Loss/Loss Total
- 113 5/5
- 108 5/10
- 104 4/14
- 100 4/18
- 97 3/21
- 94 3/24
- 91 3/27
- 89 2/29
- 87 2/31
- 85 2/33
- 83 2/35
Total loss = 35 lbs.
I'm starting up my fast today; it's been 12 hours since I've last eaten.....
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I
feel like shit. Complete and utter shit. Too depressed too suicidal.......... too pathetic too fat too ugly too stupid too fucking stupid. I have NO life. I have NO good qualities....... so fucking hopeless- I feel so worthless lately. patheticpatheticpatheticstupidstupidstupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just complete and utter fucking trash. Fuck, why?
Monday, February 1, 2010
Calorie update ^_^
1 hr + 17 minutes at the gym gave me a 846 total of calories burnt. I purged once today after eating pasta and i guess I only partially purged up a little bag of potato chips. Things I've kept down though are cereal w/ almond milk for breakfast & my grapes I had just now. I was wondering if anyone knows if caffeine pills will promote weight loss for me? I'm curious about that, since I had seen them in the store today...........
My recent cuts have been doing a little more bleeding than usual. I've been cutting on my knee so every time that I move, walk, bend, etc., it opens & re-opens & re-opens the cut, so it'll start bleeding once again. Nothing really bad, though.
Misc. - I'm trying to get a other kitty into this house, 'cause I wanna + I really want that pasta upstairs :) I could always purge it + I need a shower & some music. Type later.
My recent cuts have been doing a little more bleeding than usual. I've been cutting on my knee so every time that I move, walk, bend, etc., it opens & re-opens & re-opens the cut, so it'll start bleeding once again. Nothing really bad, though.
Misc. - I'm trying to get a other kitty into this house, 'cause I wanna + I really want that pasta upstairs :) I could always purge it + I need a shower & some music. Type later.
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